5. Defining Moments of Resilience: Taking Responsibility
“LIFE DOESN’T GET EASIER OR
MORE FORGIVING, WE GET STRONGER
AND MORE RESILIENT.”
– STEVE MARABOLI
Take Responsibility and Own Your Shit
There isn't much in this world that we have the power to control. Once we understand that fact, we will have freedom from stress. Just as we can control our reactions to situations, we also can control the activities we participate in. Every possibility is a chance to learn more about who you are as a person. It takes self awareness to look at your problems and see what could be done differently. Step back and take a look at yourself with compassion, and you'll be able to make wise, well-informed decisions in the future.
The Source I know I have danced around things. Down south, I've learned that it's ok to go slow. To slow down so that we may one day go fast. When you are from the north and come south, you can easily get frustrated with that mindset. You want people to hurry up, drive more quickly, eat, speak everything. But in the south, they slow it down, and it's something to learn from that. Use the information to inform your next steps by taking a step back and looking at your situation objectively. Especially when things feel out of control and chaotic, it can seem even more difficult.
After cancer, I've learned to enjoy ALL things while still having the chance. It was challenging, but I've learned to embrace and take ownership of my happiness. I always knew I had a purpose and set out to do things never done in my family before. I was born to break chains and to stop generational curses. I was created to be "The One." It wasn't glamorous, and it most certainly wasn't fun. Those things formed the beauty that you see that is me and my story. I could not be who you see today had I not been a product of those circumstances.
I started at the bottom in a hole. The bottom of society's ladder, the bottom of the totem pole of my mother's children, and at the bottom of some man's body trying to find my worth. I don't know how else to say it, but you know it's like, "I started at the bottom. Now I'm here (no pun intended)." Those lyrics by Drake resonate with me and can encapsulate a part of my story that I can't articulate even if Drake doesn't fully understand what it means or how it feels like to start at the bottom and arrive at a higher place mentally, spiritually, and physically. The lyrics go beyond being words in a song and somehow reflect my life. I know that living in poverty, growing up in poverty, and understanding the impact can have some dark and damaging levels to that shit. It does something to a person, to their potential and purpose. It is that one facet of a person that can be life-altering. Your success rate or lack thereof can be determined by your fucking zip code. I've witnessed that. I was affected by that. I am a product of that. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and stomped my Lil ass out of some of Cleveland's toughest neighborhoods. As the quote by Mahatma Gandhi goes, "poverty is the worst form of violence."
The Spark: Pomp and Circumstance came across the speakers in the auditorium. Graduates came in and took their seats. The program was being delivered in the stated order. The ceremony’s speaker had began her speech entitled “BAM” (Believe in yourself, Aim High, Make it Happen) something prompted me to check my email via my phone. The email stated, “Do you know Mallika’s middle name?” Has Dr. Brittingham called you? I replied to the email by saying she doesn’t like being called by her middle name so you shouldn’t use it. No, Dr. B. hasn’t called me. Do you know why she would be calling me? I began to think what did I do this time? Then, another email came through that stated have you spoken to Mallika? I immediately texted Mallika, “Are you at work today?” She replied, No, I am in the hospital I have been diagnosed with Leukemia. BAM! However, this BAM wasn’t an acronym it was how I felt when I read the text message. BAM, it hit me and I immediately began crying. Those sitting next to me probably thought I was crying for my mentee who was about to cross the stage. No, my tears were for a friend. I was in disbelief. I left the graduation and everyone I had spoken to heard me cry out for my friend. I just couldn’t believe that this happened to her. It just wasn’t suppose to happen like this. Then, as the day went on I heard God say you have spoken to everyone about Mallika except me.
I removed myself from the company of others and began praying. As I prayed I was reassured that God gave this task to Mallika because he knew she could handle it. He knew she would take what could seem so negative and make it positive. He knew this girl is a fighter. Moreover as I prayed I began to realize she was put into my life for many reasons. When we began working together in August we clicked immediately. She showed me a lot when it came to personal mastery. She helped me with many things. She encouraged me and told me that I was capable of anything. She hasn’t stopped helping me yet. You would think that it was my time to help her but she’s helped me more than I have helped her in the last week. She’s showing me how to be strong in your weakest times. She’s showing me how to be positive when the devil sends negativity your way. Most importantly she’s showing me the true meaning of Believing in yourself, Aiming high regardless of what gets in your way, and Making things happen. Who would have known the graduation’s speaker was preparing me for what was about to take place in my friend’s life. Mallika, I conclude by saying BAM, don’t stop believing in yourself, aim high regardless of how low things may seem, keep making things happen. God gave it to you for a reason. BAM, you got this! BAM, I will never leave your side. BAM, by his stripes you are healed! BAM drops the chemo and walks out Leukemia free (in the voice of Mark). I love you girl!
-L. Smalls
The Strategy: Taking responsibility for your situation can help you take charge of your life. Walk in, your truth with your head held high. Own your shit! The challenge was assigned to the only person that could complete it. Using this strategy, you will look at your life and realize your power to overcome. Begin by getting curious about the situation. For example, if you've recently gone through a bad breakup, you might ask, "What could I have done differently?" or "What am I supposed to learn from this ?" If you find your mind filling up with negative self-talk and criticism, you're not taking ownership but, instead, moving further away from accountability. Not everything is your fault. Most of the time, it is out of our sphere of control. Taking an honest look at your part in a situation will strengthen your resilience.
Think to yourself, "are there people that I need to apologize to?" Sometimes taking ownership of your actions can be difficult. Remember to have a non-judgmental attitude. It's important to have humility, especially when apologizing to others. If you feel resentment toward anyone, it hinders the ability to apologize, and you will not be able to take responsibility for your forgiveness process. Your ability to speak about your wrongdoings will display your maturity and ability to find peace.
Follow this process to apologize effectively:
- Apologize. Before you apologize to the person, be sure you know what you're apologizing for. Write down a few key things you would like to address.
- You can start by saying, "I'm sorry," and don't stop there.
- Explain precisely what you're sorry for. That way, the communication will be clear, and you'll both be on the same page for the conversation.
- Ask the person you're talking to if there is anything else you left out. This part can be difficult, and it's important because it can teach you new things about this situation.
- Ask if there is any action you can take to help ease the pain of the situation. Collaborate to come up with something that works.
Remember to see every situation as a learning opportunity. Always ask yourself, "what am I learning from this?" Remembering this will help you feel more empowered to change your life to increase curiosity and self-confidence. Explore the strategies above and let me know how it went. I hope that you will continue to join me monthly for these chats, and maybe one day, we can all "dream of never being called resilient again."
The Catalyst Coach
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